— Miss. Renee
I stare and wince at each picture I find
I remember them so clearly in my mind
From small to large, everyone can see
The truth is there in front of me
No compliment can erase the fact
That I simply am incredibly fat
She walks into her appointment expecting to stare into space.
"You start treatment next Tuesday," her therapist says.
She blinks. She didn’t expect it to happen so soon. It gave her 6 days to get everything organized; to lie to her parents, fill out paper work and withdraw from school. 6 days until she has to face her eating disorder and fight like all hell.
She begins to panic. She doesn’t know what to do. How will she live her life free from this demon? Would she ever be free?
Of course you will never be free, I will always be here. When you think I’m gone, I’ll be back. There is no getting away from me.
"Want to bet?" she says to herself.
World Suicide Prevention Day
If you or a friend is thinking about suicide please contact a suicide helpline, call 911 or go to the closest emergency room. You’re worth it <3
At my treatment center there is a rule: 3 strikes and you’re out. That applies for many things such as eating, lateness and weigh ins.
As adults, we cannot be forced to stay in treatment. So the 3 strike rules are seen as a refusal of treatment. Don’t finish a meal 3 times? See ya! Don’t gain 500g a week 3 times? Gone.
Yes, I understand that the rule is there for cases in which someone is actually refusing treatment. But if someone is crying, worrying about getting kicked out next weigh in because they need help, well that’s where I have a problem. A girl was talking about how she’s afraid the treatment center is just going to kick her out on the curb if she doesn’t gain the 500g she needs to this week. The problem is that out-patient isn’t enough support for her and she isn’t sick enough *read: thin enough* to get the inpatient support she needs if she gets kicked out of the program.
The flaw in the system is basically:
If they can’t catch you while you’re falling and asking for help, they will wait until you’re on the ground to help.
It bothers me a lot. This particular girl is trying, and she’s right: she isn’t thin enough to qualify for inpatient care in my province, seeing as there are only 6 beds for critical patients. I’ve been worried about getting kicked out on the curb a few times already.
I’m pretty sure that’s not how you’re supposed to feel while in treatment.
"What’s depression like?" he asked.
"It’s like drowning. Except you can see every one else around you breathing."
What I am
Wants what I was
So fragile, light
Bones that show
Through sunken skin
Makes everything else
She starts to speak; she stops herself. If she tells them, they’ll know. If they know what’s going on in her head she won’t be safe behind her lies.
"How do I even know they are lies? What if what I’m telling them is true? What if I say that I’ll seek medical or crisis intervention and then when I feel suicidal I do? What if I say I will, but then decide I won’t? Which is true and which is not?"
She argues with herself and she can’t decide what she would do, so instead she hides it. Whether it’s a lie or not is irrelevant, so she just protects herself and doesn’t say a word.
I wouldn’t let you say anything even if you did decide. The less people that know the better. You don’t want people worrying. If I want you gone, you’ll disappear no matter what. You can at least be sure of that.