Today … I don’t know whether I should be proud or not of myself today. I ate a clif bar and some rice pudding. I barely drank anything. I’m not hungry. I don’t want to eat, yet I feel so guilty. I’ve been lying to my treatment team. Although I am dizzy all the time (even when I’m not restricting), and have been on the verge of fainting, I haven’t eaten much the past two days. I’m lying to everyone telling them that I’m eating a lot and that there is no reason for my dizziness because it’s not the eating. How do you explain that it isn’t the eating, when on a few of the days I haven’t eaten? It’s been three weeks. I’ve restricted maybe four days in those three weeks. It’s not the eating. Something else is wrong. Am I wrong to lie? Should I be telling them?
On the other hand I don’t want them to know. If they know then they might try to stop me. I’ve gained so much weight I can’t even explain to you guys how much it is hurting me inside. I’m crashing. I’m not sure what to do. I feel so terrible for not having eaten today and I feel horrible and guilty for lying. I’m such a terrible person. What should I be doing?
Why is this happening? What is wrong with me?
more parts of ‘The Story of a Girl Told in Many Parts’ going up soon :)
I kept crying last night and just wanted to be held.
My breakdown was horrible. My boss came out of her office and I was crying so loud a counselor opened their door. I barely want to move.
I asked them not to tell me my weight. They did. I want to hurt myself so much right now. I should just take my sleeping pill before doing something stupid.
Especially when you are discovering more and more things to hate every single day.
Reading this (under the read more tab) made me feel angry. Really, really angry. It also made me feel hurt. Why do you get to make that judgement? You have no idea what the fuck it’s like to live like this!
I can’t believe how stupid people are. First off who the fuck gave you the right to decide whose pain is more significant. Someone commits suicide to end the pain that they can’t bear. Making them feel guilty by reading this won’t help. It would probably make the self-hate even worse. Having thought of suicide, I have thought of how it would affect others, and I wasn’t planning on committing suicide to show the world that they hurt me. It was to end my pain. I thought of how it may hurt them, but my pain was worse.
Second the over exaggeration of what happens when someone commits suicide is a bit excessive. Two years later the “entire school” will not be in therapy once a week. The two youngest years won’t even know who you are. Not “all your teachers” will quit their job. YOU will not give others eating disorders or depression. YOU will not make them self-harm, suicidal, or sexually promiscuous. They decided that that’s how they’d deal with what happened instead of dealing with it in a healthy way. It isn’t your fault.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not encouraging anyone to commit suicide. I’d rather that none of you, or anyone for that matter be in such a state that they would even consider doing that. But if does happen (which I know it will even if I don’t like the idea) it won’t send everyone into a spiralling hole of despair. When someone dies, people move on. They don’t forget about you, but as time goes by they think of you less and less. One thing that I’ve learned from getting through very rough times with severe major depression, and through loved ones deaths, is that life goes on.
If any of you are suicidal or having suicidal ideation, I’m here for you. If you want to talk my ask box is always open, and I will listen and try to help you. I got through an extremely dark time. It isn’t completely better, but I’m not as bad as I was. I was the most severely depressed patients my psychologist had ever seen, and I’m still here. I want to help, and I hope that every one of you leads a full life.